Official Protocols for Avoiding Extraterrestrial Contact
The Unified Earth Government issues new survival guidelines following historical cosmic misunderstandings.
1Revised Cosmic Survival Protocols
Following the Cascade Incident and the Yarrow Misunderstanding, the Unified Earth Government has issued updated directives for handling extraterrestrial encounters. These protocols emphasize that all unknown alien lifeforms are inherently dangerous. Previous failures, such as The Cake Problem, highlight the necessity for strict adherence to these new, aggressive safety measures.
2Maintaining Strategic Anonymity
Personnel are instructed to avoid revealing specific locations or personal details during any potential interaction. Geography is considered a significant vulnerability in space. When questioned, individuals should remain vague, claiming to be from nowhere. The goal is to project an image of being a rock rather than a sentient target.
3The Illusion of Disinterest
Instant responses are discouraged as they suggest malfunction or eagerness, both of which are dangerous. Instead, personnel should delay replies to maintain an illusion of being busy elsewhere. Friendliness is explicitly identified as a predatory hunting strategy used by aliens; therefore, skepticism is required during all initial contact proceedings.
4Defensive Biological Measures
Historical data confirms that early alien species utilized human hosts for reproduction, specifically laying eggs in the chest. Flamethrowers are currently stored in B12 for emergency protection. Personnel must avoid consuming alien embryos at all costs, as they are described as tasting of regret and pose severe health risks.
5Managing Alien Interactions
If contact occurs, personnel should inquire about the entity's breathing requirements and then immediately change the subject. Avoid fixing specific dates or using the word date, as undefined parameters are harder to track. Treat any entity claiming to be the last of its kind with extreme caution to avoid becoming its hobby.
6Quarantine and Panic Control
A minimum two-week quarantine period is mandatory following any physical encounter. Personnel must not assume that an entity wearing a familiar face retains human memories or empathy. While panic is a natural human response, displaying it is discouraged, as it identifies the individual as a vulnerable target for the alien.
7Survival as Primary Metric
Under current guidelines, survival is the only metric of success. If the entity does not know the location of the rest of humanity, the encounter is considered a success. Personnel must internalize these protocols to prevent the loss of assets, similar to the historical failure at Star Base 2.
8Contextualizing Cosmic Risk
These protocols reflect a shift toward extreme caution in deep space exploration. By prioritizing silence and disinterest, the government aims to mitigate the high mortality rates associated with First Contact. Future interactions remain unpredictable, making the strict application of these defensive strategies essential for the continued preservation of human life.
Original article: Nature — Official Protocols for Avoiding Extraterrestrial Contact